It was scary and embarrassing and that made it worse. I don't know why I've been so easily upset and annoyed this week but I kept it balanced out until last night. I was sick at work all day, a horrible headache, a stomach ache, hot flash, then bad shivers and out of no where. I didn't drink too much the night before, I only ate turkey and fruit and drank a lot of water so I don't understand.
I always get anxious around 11pm before I leave work at 11:30pm and don't know where I'm going or driving to. Because I don't want to be home right then but thats where I drive and once I get there I don't want to do anything because its midnight at that point. So that makes me super anxious. I've been feeling down and depressed this week over nothing really. My mind just playing with me, I mean some things are a little off I think but nothing major. But I keep crying and yelling and being nervous and I don't get it. And to "freak out" uncontrollably, like what do I do?
I've had it happen before but because I was super mad and typically drank too much, then I would act that way but not over an annoying thing and sober???
After I calmed down a bit all I wanted was for my boyfriend to hug me and comfort me and thats probably all I needed the whole time. But like he didn't know that and really didn't and couldn't help because I was pissed and yelling so he got mad. And then like of course nothing is helpful. and I just saying I needed to be distracted, I needed out of my own head to shut off the million mile per minute thought process. And he kept asking me what the million things were and I didn't want to talk about any of them...
1. because they really didn't matter it was my mind just freaking out and thinking of every bad thing I possibly could
2. because any little bad thing would turn it into a fight and when I'm panicking or anyone is that is not the time to talk about upsetting things or bad or anything that could or normally would lead to an arguement
3. because I couldn't pin point one thing, I was overwhelmed with thoughts and to pick one of the million to talk about, I physically couldn't. It tightened up my back and I like rolled over in pain. Which makes no sense to anyone.
I usually feel anxiety in my back before I even know I'm having an anxiety attack and that pain makes it worse. and I don't know if anyone else's body acts that way but I don't understand it. I really don't so when I'm freaking out and being told to calm down and yelled to calm down and say something when I've repeatedly say I cant make things like 90% worse then before. I'd calm down and get worked up again.
I wanted him to be there but it made things worse in a different way. I needed out of my head and instead I was being pushed past anything I could handle to explain myself or to stop yelling when my voice just couldn't calm down. Just made things worse and worse and worse. and I kept saying I need you to like comfort me and from his mind he's like why would I want to when your yelling at me....
then it continued for hours until I took a second sleeping pill and passed out. I'm not saying he did anything wrong because he was reacting in his own way but like I didn't know what I needed but I needed to not be yelled back at, I needed comforted which I hate asking for and I hate needing. Because if you know me I hate hugs and affection. I just do and especially don't want to ask for them. So that was happening in my mind in wanting it but not wanting to ask for it and hope he would just hug me.
This isn't bashing on him, its just sharing my scary and upsetting situation that happened. I want to prevent it from happening again, especially a random attack for no reason at all.
Also why was I so sick?? I don't understand and I'm getting upset and anxious and a headache writing this so I'm going to stop...
UGHHH! what is wrong with my mind and body this weekend? :(